Humor on the Net - Volume 1
Compiled by Ron Kaine
Published 1998 by Rockatech Multimedia Publishing
ISBN 0-9665432-0-3
238 pages
Retail Price: $12.00

To order:
e-mail to: Humor@Rockatech.com
or write to:
Humor on the Net - Volume 1
Rockatech Multimedia Publishing
8604 Second Ave #325-SBP
Silver Spring, MD 20910-3380

 
 
SUMMARY:

You have probably heard many of these jokes before... maybe you've even told them a few times. But you've never seen so many compiled into one book -- so well organized into categories, ready to liven your conversations, brighten your speeches, and add punch to anything you write.

Don't confuse this book with others that put one joke on each page with silly artwork to stretch a 20 page book into 200 pages. "Humor on the Net" is 238 pages packed with THOUSANDS of humor bites on HUNDREDS of topics.

Compiled from various email and Internet sources, these bits of humor are part of our American culture, including jokes, quotes, funny stories, profound thoughts, amusing trivia, and more!

For anyone who enjoys humor and a good laugh, this book is for you. Certainly the funniest book you will ever read, over and over again! :-)

EXCERPTS:

Horse Fodder:

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly that it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

On Lying:

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Choir Brains:

A lady walks into her butcher shop and notices a new sign on the wall behind the counter. SPECIAL TODAY - CHOIR BRAINS

"Choir brains?" she asks.

"Oh yeah, says the butcher. "We've got bass brains at $3.99 a pound, tenor brains at $4.99 a pound, alto brains at $5.99 a pound and soprano brains at $19.99 a pound."

"$19.99 a pound for soprano brains?" she asks. "Isn't that a little high?"

"My dear woman, do you have any idea how many sopranos it takes to come up with a pound of brains?"

Signalman Test:

Bob wanted a job as a signalman for the railroad. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box for a test. The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Bob replied, "I'd switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Bob, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Bob continued, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well, in that case," persevered Bob, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?" The exasperated Bob finally said, "Oh, well, then I'd run into the village and get my uncle." This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?"

Bob answered, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

Psychiatric Hotline:

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly-Now!

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are a paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace this call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it does not matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Hotline, a 24 hour service of Who's Really Who.

Overworked:

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you are sitting there reading this.

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